底つき

Bottomed Out

I spiraled down a path of addiction, starting with gambling and progressing to addiction to Filipino pubs, alcohol, and dating cafes. With the exception of my addiction to sex, I was able to break free from my addictions through hitting rock bottom, returning to society and becoming indifferent to my former targets. I became a believer in the “bottomed out” approach, which involves pouring all of one’s money, time, and physical energy into facing one’s addiction head on. I believed that this approach would work for overcoming my final addiction, and by October of 2021, I had converted to this “bottomed out” approach.

I devoted all of my energy to pursuing my own methodology, based on my own experience, and aimed for the final destination of “bottoming out.” I locked myself in the Kabukicho entertainment district, doing as I pleased, and felt that even if I barely survived, it would be better than nothing. However, this way of thinking itself was foolish, reckless, and perhaps even a biological, fundamental instinct of a male to contain the addiction of sex. It was inappropriate to believe that I could overcome this addiction by sheer force. Ultimately, my last addiction felt like a bottomless swamp, with the bottom seemingly far away, or maybe the concept of a bottom was not appropriate at all. I was drawn to a fleeting desire for a state of being that didn’t exist. Such endless delusions and intense desires are surely a type of mental illness.

But, fortunately, I was able to avoid a complete mental breakdown and loss of willpower that would have led to homelessness and instead interacted with young people without developing fatal troubles. I must have been lucky. Although I didn’t reach the sensation of bottoming out, I was left with a feeling of “I’ve had enough.” I continued to run through the night streets in search of the orgasm of my heart, even as I suffered from prostatitis and almost collapsed from exhaustion. This was like continuously stepping on the accelerator pedal, even as the engine burned out in a car. The feeling still smolders deep inside me.

Inspired by The Lord of the Rings-Tolkien

He still remembers the scene very well on a day of spring cool breeze, hot sunny day. There were 20 men customers who were desperately searching for temporarily lover as one night pleasure, standing in the hall at cafe called “Endless Despair”, looking at the girls with “Eye of the Dead Fish”. Jimmy also used to be just one of them before. 17 young girls were just waiting for somebody ask her to go outside for “Date” with earning some money. One day she was sitting at the seat of No. 18, to the corner of secret membership cafe, especially attending on the weekend, wearing summer clothes, waiting for somebody to talk. Jimmy noticed that she gave many rejections to the lonely guy customer who asking her to have a  date with. God only knows why that she had done to do so. She kept watching her own iPhone vaguely with gloomy face while maybe she was typing something for LINE. Unlike another girls, she never ever took the light snack, kind of chocolate, candy, potato chip which equipped at the cafe. Suddenly her intellectual and sophisticated atmosphere strongly attracted Jimmy’s deadly wounded  fragile weak heart. She could not see anybody guys from her women side through “special mirror glass”. But he could see her very well from mens side by see-through glass, she was well recognized from her head to toe except her face under the mask. Instinctively he felt that it was the high time to say “Hello” to her. ”Now or  Never”..whispering in his mind, secretly.

Falling  Love  at “First Sight”

Sometimes, at somewhere, there is probability..

It may happen to anybody..

Trying to survive with those sweet REMINISCENT, once 256 angels came down from the heaven to save his life, however they had gone with the wind, suddenly vanished without saying anything.

“Do not go far away from me..

Will you do me a favor, pls.”

“Where are you right now..?”

“Can’t see you..”

Letter to Usagi Nakamura

中村うさぎさんに伝えたいこと。

依存症における「底付き」について

2019年7月4日、初めて上野アメ横で偶然「出会い喫茶K」の看板を見つけて以来、2021年12月末日に至るまでに延べ289名の主として奨学金返済の為のいわゆる「パパ活」で生計をやりくりしている20歳前後の女子大生達にお世話になり長期に渡り目一杯限界ギリギリまで深くのめり込んだ結果、精神的にも経済的にもダイナマイトで木端微塵に吹き飛ばされたかのような様相を呈し、見事に砕け散ると共に仕事方面をはじめとする私を取り囲む公私共に全方位的な関係の全てが破綻に至り自滅しました。この遊びを知る以前の私はマスコミメディアが貧困女子やら女子大生風俗嬢についての実態と題して報道したところで私には全く接点のない無縁の世界に生きる人たちのことと受け止めていて、「パパ活」と呼ばれる新しい社会現象乃至トレンド文化については全くの門外漢でありました。当時果たして本当に大学に進学するような勉強が出来て優秀な女子大生がいくら奨学金返済やら生活が困窮したとしても風俗業界で収入を得るものだろうかとその筋の報道自体にはとても懐疑的でありました。この目で実態を確認したいとの願望や興味が人一倍強かったものの、まず入口がわからない状態で当然ながら若くて可愛い女子学生に対しては人一倍の興味があった時期でありました。私自身を振り返って見るとギャンブル依存ー破綻ー再生ーアルコール依存(フィリピンパブ中毒含)ー破綻ー再生という私の人生を振り返った時、俗に言う「飲む打つ買う」という男の煩悩3拍子の領域では「買う」という風俗遊びの分野において、阿鼻叫喚のたうち回るという経験をほどほど有してはいたものの、今思えば還暦に近づいた58歳にして特段覗かなくてもよい非日常世界のパンドラの箱を開けてしまった感がありました。常軌を逸した出会い喫茶を訪れる女子学生に対する自らの尋常でない執着心と強烈な願望に全く歯止めがかけられず、もはやまっとうな社会人としての日常生活の継続が困難な廃人に向けてまっしぐらに落ちて行くような絶望的な日々に思い悩みました。そこで池袋所在で唯一の性依存症の専門病院である榎本病院に救いを求め受診し「強迫観念的性依存症」なる診断を受け、治療として数回自助グループに参加し更生プログラムによる復帰訓練というものを受けました。性癖矯正専門病院での徹底的な禁欲生活を旨とした即ち自慰行為は厳禁で一切してはいけない乃至執着する出会いカフェの対象エリア(上野、池袋、新宿、渋谷、大宮、横浜、川崎)には絶対に近づいてはいけない、妻、恋人以外の女性(ちなみに私は4バツ独身で特定恋愛パートナーはなし)との性交は不道徳であり絶対禁止というような治療方針で「私の性依存症」なるものが好転するとは到底思えませんでした。朝から晩まで「今日これから出会い喫茶に行けば、きっと天使のような女子大生との運命の出会いが待ち構えているに違いない! さあ、もたもたするな、今からすぐに行くんだ!」というような強迫観念を伴う激アツな妄想に抗うことなど全く出来ない状態だったのでした。こうしてだらだらと中国掛軸売買で稼いだ手持ちの預貯金1,200万円を取り崩しもはや中国書画美術商としての作品鑑定やお宝収集活動には全く興味を無くし集中出来ない状態が続き、朧げながら今回の深く強度な性依存症を伴う生活破綻と精神崩壊はもはや避け難く、概ねそれまでの人生においては破滅と再生を3回繰り返しながらかろうじて生きながらえてきたとの自覚がありましたが4度目の破綻は年齢気力的に沼に落ちたら最後そのまま這い上がることなどは到底出来ないだろうと先行き不透明でエンドレスな絶望感が色濃く脳裏を掠め始めており、もはやどうにも制御不能な末期麻薬患者の如き状態に陥入り夢遊病患者のように2021年10月には銀行カードローン・サラ金3社から掻き集めた450万円を懐に歌舞伎町のお気に入りラブホテルLISTOに籠城するかの如く出会い喫茶に集まる若い女性への飽くなきエンドレスな欲情をこれでもかこれでもかと体調の良い日は1日4人の若い女性とシンクロしながら(その時は既に強烈な射精感の達成というものへの関心は完全喪失していました。1分1秒でも誰かと結合している時間が長ければ長いほど破滅崩壊、死への不安から解放され落ち着くという刹那的かつ絶望的な妄想状態の中で最後の瞬間が訪れることに怯えていたのです。)、自分の破滅願望と虚構の世界がないまぜに共存する中での歌舞伎町の日々、毎日の一瞬一秒が人生の中におけるクライマックスであるかのような歪んだ錯覚に酔いしれセントラルロード界隈を取り囲む街全体が完全にピンク色で統一されているかのような倒錯した末期的な極限の状況に陥っていました。歌舞伎町TOHOビルの下でその時々の女性と待ち合わせをすることが多く、上階には大きなゴジラの頭部があることさえ若い女性に夢中になっていたことから周囲を見渡す精神的な余裕を無くしていたのでしばらく気がつかない有様でした。初めてゴジラヘッドに気がついて目が合った時はただ何だか気恥ずかしく、完全に現実逃避に没頭していた後ろめたさから瞬間ハッと我に帰ったのがまるで昨日のことのようにも思えます。一円残らず全ての金を使い果たした後は埼京線(私が普段一番頻繁に使用する路線)に飛び込み自分自身の内面に深く巣食う制御不能となった獣欲の化身のような悪魔諸共、私自身の存在自体を跡形もなく葬りさることでしか救済への道はないと自分に言い聞かせ、断末魔の呻き声を漏らしながら一直線に死への彷徨を繰り返していたのでした。想定通り無一文となり翌月の電気ガス水道料の支払いにも事欠くような状況に陥り借金取りに怯えながらも末期性依存症の脱出口または終着地点を模索するものの起き上がることさえ不能となっていた刹那、貪るように読んだのが「セックス放浪記」を始めとする「病系」と題するうさぎさんの本だったのです。本に書かれた文字は広大な砂漠に水がいくらでも染み込んでいくかのような不思議な吸収力を持った魔法の言葉のようにまるで点滴により全てのtext文字が全身の血管を伝って体中を駆け巡り踊りだすような心地良ささえ感じていたのです。脳内麻薬の如きドーパミンが分泌される脳内ではうさぎさんの煩悩封印text攻撃により性欲発進向上指令神経を急速フリーズさせ、応急処置的に脳全体を一旦麻痺させつつ静かに蘇生させつつ休息を与え徐々に理性ある正常な脳へとリカバリーされていくような幻覚の中、起き上がることさできずにひたすら布団を被って寝ていたのでした。と同時に自らの「出会い喫茶放浪記」を振り返る気持ちの余裕が徐々に芽生えてきたのです。

ありがとうございます。

問題意識としては博打依存や酒(焼酎金宮キンミヤ中毒)依存においては徹底的にお金と時間を興味の対象にぶつけて格闘呻吟した結果、その時々の対象自体がどうにでもよくなり関心がなくなってしまったという貴重な経験値があり依存対象に対する「底つき」という概念の体感と精神状態の関係に大いに関心を抱くようになりました。丸2年と最後の総攻撃を仕掛けた感のある歌舞伎町の天使たちとの朝から晩まで3ヶ月に渡る獣欲の化身となったあの非日常の日々が私にとっては「底付き」に最も近づいた状態だったのかもしれません。そのように気付かせてくれたのは私にとってはまるで聖書のような存在の本となった、うさぎさんの「セックス放浪記」だったのです。

2022年3月20日 篠田達也

Into the night

From the early summer of 2019 to end of 2021, maybe I listened “Into the night” million times at my favorite cafe, called “K”, situated at Ueno Ameyoko, Ikebukuro east&west, Shibuya Dougenzaka but listened most at especially I was there in Ichibangai, Kabuki-cho in Shinjuku.

I was attending to there to share the times with angels who had lonely eyes, young ladies ages were almost 40 years younger than me. Confession: I could not stop visiting there to survive anyhow. I was so tired of chasing for old Chinese paintings, traveling thru all over Japan. I was just desperately looking for real one not the fake, 假的不要…I used to shout to somebody, just gimme some truth!  Instead of dying, instinctively for the sake of not to think Chinese art anymore, I needed somebody to talk for healing my exhausted, wounded broken heart and head. I spend all my money to do the story for “Into the night”, but it was not enough money to chase the angels by bank deposit. So I was foolishly borrowing money to the limit from every bank or non-bank. I wanted to prepare for the last moment of my life. Appraisal result for Chinese paintings to buy, over 97% of Chinese paintings were fake which I could not buy. This result fact made me disappointed seriously sometimes, it was one of the big reason for I was mentally uncontrollable all the times.

I was eagerly requesting for the strongest sexual pleasure to kill the emotion of the deepest despair in Chinese art. I know this was no good excuse for sex addiction.  Gamble addiction, Alcoholic, successfully I had overcome with those addiction in my past years but I could not get away from fatal sickness as sex addiction, compulsive sexual behavior disorder. Once I’ve got “switched on” by accidental sexual appetite, I had to crazily, desperately look for a “temporary partner” to escape from the everything of reality or for calm me down. I was dying to get the best of the “sexual pleasure” to take a breath for not to do suicidal wrong decision. I needed kind of a “strong morphine” not to die. Alcohol addiction has been overcome thanks to my dependence on the University of Tokyo entrance exam. I bet, If sex addiction can be shifted to U-Tokyo entrance exam addiction completely, it should be possible to overcome this sickness. Now I am trying to do so.

I heard of the song again and again with endless despair. I did not know the name of the song. Also I had no interested in who’s singing.

It was because stupidly I needed to concentrate on who’s gonna be the last lover in my life at that times. Consequently I’ve got no love or affection out of somebody age around 20 years old, I should have known that it was simply impossible from the beginning. Only I could satisfied with sharing the moments, intoxicated, melted by beautiful story of those sophisticated angels, found myself to know that I had to go back to Rei Ayanami again, my only and last angel who never ever lied to me. She sometimes appeared, and vanished silently without saying anything as usual. I had done hard-landing to bankruptcy as 4th times of destruction, although I just losing my mind and lost my way completely, I am still alive. I can breath anyhow. But I could not get up anymore. 

Godzilla only knows that how far I am going down this time..

Godzilla only knows that how deep I am going down this time..

All through the night, all I wanted was to see lovely angels sleeping face. What has became of those 255 girls right now who once gave me a sweet moments gently. She cheered me up to get up from the bed and patiently suggesting me to do struggling with reality again. Appreciate for what the angels had done a good to me. God bless girls in the “Cafe DESTINY“.  Only Godzilla in the central road must have been watching us that actually what we were dancing at LISTO in Kabuki-cho, very moment of “Into the night”.

Keep sparkling forever..

「夜に駆ける..」

“Angel” gave me an enthusiastic memory on the night. 

Do not fade out, please..

Keep fascinating me..till the end.

I would survive with those unforgettable reminiscence.

What’s the angel said to me,

every words are still dancing in my mind endlessly.

I’m going to be out of your sight.

But I hope I’m not going to be out of your mind.

Appreciate.