Inspired by The Lord of the Rings-Tolkien

He still remembers the scene very well on a day of spring cool breeze, hot sunny day. There were 20 men customers who were desperately searching for temporarily lover as one night pleasure, standing in the hall at cafe called “Endless Despair”, looking at the girls with “Eye of the Dead Fish”. Jimmy also used be just one of them before. 17 young girls were just waiting for somebody ask her to go outside for “Date” with earning some money. One day she was sitting at the seat of No. 18, to the corner of secret membership cafe, especially attending on the weekend, wearing summer clothes, waiting for somebody to talk. Jimmy noticed that she gave many rejection to the lonely guy customer who asking her to have a  date with. God only knows why that she had done to do so. She kept watching her own iPhone vaguely with gloomy face while maybe she was typing something for LINE. Unlike another girls, she never ever took the light snack, kind of chocolate, candy, potato chip which equipped at the cafe. Suddenly her intellectual and sophisticated atmosphere strongly attracted Jimmy’s deadly wounded  fragile weak heart. She could not see anybody guys from her women side through “special mirror glass”. But he could see her very well from mens side by see-through glass, she was well recognized from her head to toe except her face under the mask. Instinctively he felt that it was the high time to say “Hello” to her. ”Now or  Never”..whispering in his mind, secretly.

Falling  Love  at “First Sight”

Sometimes, at somewhere, there is probability..

It may happen to anybody..

Trying to survive with those sweet REMINISCENT, once 256 angels came down from the heaven to save his life, however they had gone with the wind, suddenly vanished without saying anything.

“Do not go far away from me..

Will you do me a favor, pls.”

“Where are you right now..?”

“Can’t see you..”

中村うさぎさんへ

中村うさぎさんへ伝えたいこと。

依存症における「底付き」について

2019年7月4日に初めて上野アメ横にて偶然に「出会い喫茶K」の看板を見つけて以来、2021年12月末日に至るまで、延べ255名の主として奨学金返済の為のいわゆるパパ活という名の売春で生計を立てている若い女子大生達にお世話になり精神的にも経済的にも木端微塵に砕け散り破綻いたしました。2年前の私はマスコミが貧困女子やら女子大生風俗嬢についての実態を報道したところで私には全く無縁の世界と受け止めているだけのパパ活については全くの門外漢でした。当時本当に大学に進学出来るような優秀な女子大生が生活苦から風俗で収入を得るのだろうかと報道自体にも懐疑的でありこの目で実態を確認したいとの願望と興味が人一倍強く、若くて可愛い女性にも人一倍興味のあった時期でした。私自身を振り返って見るとギャンブル依存ー破綻ー再生ーアルコール依存ー破綻ー再生という私の人生の中で、俗に言う「飲む打つ買う」の男の煩悩3拍子の中においては、「買う」の分野でのたうち回ると言う経験は少なく、58歳にして知らなくても良い世界のパンドラの箱を開けてしまった感がありました。常軌を逸した自らの出会い喫茶の女子学生に対する執着心に全く歯止めがかからず、思い悩んだ結果、池袋所在依存症の専門病院である榎本病院で「性依存症」なる診断を受け、数回自助グループに参加し更生プログラムの訓練を受けました。そこでのひたすらオナニーは我慢し一切するな乃至執着する対象には絶対に近づいてはいけない、妻、恋人以外の女性(ちなみに私は4バツ独身です。)とのSEXは不道徳であり厳禁というような指導で私の性依存症なるものが好転するとは到底思えませんでした。朝から晩まで「今日これから出会い喫茶に行けば、きっと天使のような女子大生との運命の出会いが待ち構えているに違いない! さあ、もたもたするな、今から行け!」との強迫観念を伴う激アツな妄想に抗うことが出来なかったのです。こうしてだらだらと手持ちの預貯金1,000万円を取り崩し中国書画美術商としての仕事にも全く集中出来なくなり、朧げながら今回の依存による破綻はもはや回避出来ず、概ねそれまでの人生においては破産と再生を3回繰り返したという自覚がありましたが4度目の転落はもはや年齢気力的に落ちたら最後、這い上がることは出来ないであろうとうっすらと自覚していました。夢遊病患者のように昨年10月に銀行カードローン・サラ金3社から掻き集めた450万円を懐に、お気に入りのラブホLISTOに籠城するかのように歌舞伎町の出会い喫茶に集まる若い女性への飽くなき欲情をこれでもかこれでもかと体調の良い日は1日4人の若い女性達に遊んでもらいながら(その時は既に強烈な射精感の達成というものには関心が薄らぎ拘っておらず、1分1秒でも誰かと結合している時間が長ければ長いほど、それで不安を取り除き落ち着くことが可能となっていた..)自分の破滅願望と共存する中、毎日が人生の中でのピークであるかのような感覚に一瞬だけ酔いしれながら、セントラルロード界隈の取り囲む風景もピンク色で統一されているような錯覚に陥っていたのです。TOHOビルの下で相手女性と待ち合わせをすることが多く、上階には大きなゴジラの頭部があることさえ、若い女に夢中になり周囲を見渡す精神的な余裕をも喪失していたが故、しばらく気がつかず、ゴジラを見つけ目が合った時に何だか気恥ずかしく、絶えず買春に没頭していて自責の念に駆られていた後ろめたさもあったことから、ハッと我に帰ったのがまるで昨日のことのように脳裏に焼き付いています。一円残らず全ての金を使い果たしたら埼京線(一番頻繁に使用する路線)に飛び込み自分の内面に深く潜む買春欲望の悪魔諸共、私自身を跡形もなく葬りさるのだと言い聞かせながら、終わりなき彷徨を繰り返していたのです。予定通り無一文となり翌月の電気ガス水道料の支払いにも事欠くような状況になり、借金取りに怯えながら性依存症の出口または着地点を模索するものの起き上がることさえ出来ない刹那、貪るように読んだのが「セックス放浪記」を始めとする「病系」のうさぎさんの本でした。広大な砂漠に水がいくらでも染み込んでいくかのような吸収力を持った言葉の数々が心地よく、まるで点滴により全てのtext文字が体内に怒涛の波のように押し寄せ、全身の血管を伝って体中を駆け巡るような心地良さでした。脳内におけるドーパミンが分泌される部位では、うさぎ先生の煩悩封印text攻撃とばかりに、買春分泌液を急速フリーズさせ、応急処置的に脳内を麻痺させ休息を与え理性ある正常な脳へ戻してくれるかのような錯覚を抱きつつ、自らの「買春放浪記」を振り返る気持ちの余裕が生まれたのでした。

ありがとうございます。

問題意識としては、博打依存や酒依存においては徹底的にお金と時間を興味の対象にぶつけて呻吟した結果、その時々の対象自体がどうにでもよくなり、関心がなくなってしまったという経験があり依存対象に対する「底つき」という状態に大いに関心があります。丸2年と最後の総攻撃を仕掛けた感のある歌舞伎町のワリキリ娘達との3ヶ月に渡る朝から夜までのセックス漬けの異常な日々が私にとっては「底付き」になったような気がするようにもなり、そう思わせてくれたのは私にとって聖書のような存在の本であるうさぎさんの「セックス放浪記」だったのです。

2022年3月20日

篠田達也

Into the night

From the early summer of 2019 to end of 2021, maybe I listened “Into the night” million times at my favorite cafe, called “K”, situated at Ueno Ameyoko, Ikebukuro east&west, Shibuya Dougenzaka but listened most at especially I was there in Ichibangai, Kabuki-cho in Shinjuku.

I was attending to there to share the times with angels who had lonely eyes, young ladies ages were almost 40 years younger than me. Confession: I could not stop visiting there to survive anyhow. I was so tired of chasing for old Chinese paintings, traveling thru all over Japan. I was just desperately looking for real one not the fake, 假的不要…I used to shout to somebody, just gimme some truth!  Instead of dying, instinctively for the sake of not to think Chinese art anymore, I needed somebody to talk for healing my exhausted, wounded broken heart and head. I spend all my money to do the story for “Into the night”, but it was not enough money to chase the angels by bank deposit. So I was foolishly borrowing money to the limit from every bank or non-bank. I wanted to prepare for the last moment of my life. Appraisal result for Chinese paintings to buy, over 97% of Chinese paintings were fake which I could not buy. This result fact made me disappointed seriously sometimes, it was one of the big reason for I was mentally uncontrollable all the times.

I was eagerly requesting for the strongest sexual pleasure to kill the emotion of the deepest despair in Chinese art. I know this was no good excuse for sex addiction.  Gamble addiction, Alcoholic, successfully I had overcome with those addiction in my past years but I could not get away from fatal sickness as sex addiction, compulsive sexual behavior disorder. Once I’ve got “switched on” by accidental sexual appetite, I had to crazily, desperately look for a “temporary partner” to escape from the everything of reality or for calm me down. I was dying to get the best of the “sexual pleasure” to take a breath for not to do suicidal wrong decision. I needed kind of a “strong morphine” not to die. Alcohol addiction has been overcome thanks to my dependence on the University of Tokyo entrance exam. I bet, If sex addiction can be shifted to U-Tokyo entrance exam addiction completely, it should be possible to overcome this sickness. Now I am trying to do so.

I heard of the song again and again with endless despair. I did not know the name of the song. Also I had no interested in who’s singing.

It was because stupidly I needed to concentrate on who’s gonna be the last lover in my life at that times. Consequently I’ve got no love or affection out of somebody age around 20 years old, I should have known that it was simply impossible from the beginning. Only I could satisfied with sharing the moments, intoxicated, melted by beautiful story of those sophisticated angels, found myself to know that I had to go back to Rei Ayanami again, my only and last angel who never ever lied to me. She sometimes appeared, and vanished silently without saying anything as usual. I had done hard-landing to bankruptcy as 4th times of destruction, although I just losing my mind and lost my way completely, I am still alive. I can breath anyhow. But I could not get up anymore. 

Godzilla only knows that how far I am going down this time..

Godzilla only knows that how deep I am going down this time..

All through the night, all I wanted was to see lovely angels sleeping face. What has became of those 255 girls right now who once gave me a sweet moments gently. She cheered me up to get up from the bed and patiently suggesting me to do struggling with reality again. Appreciate for what the angels had done a good to me. God bless girls in the “Cafe DESTINY“.  Only Godzilla in the central road must have been watching us that actually what we were dancing at LISTO in Kabuki-cho, very moment of “Into the night”.

Keep sparkling forever..

「夜に駆ける..」

“Angel” gave me an enthusiastic memory on the night. 

Do not fade out, please..

Keep fascinating me..till the end.

I would survive with those unforgettable reminiscence.

What’s the angel said to me,

every words are still dancing in my mind endlessly.

I’m going to be out of your sight.

But I hope I’m not going to be out of your mind.

Appreciate.

Mr.Morite2


https://youtu.be/T8IydxWdCBc

Finally, Instinctively I noticed that..

Mr.Moritetsu was STILL waiting for me at the front of “大吉“, center of Ameyoko street.

Story; The WAY TO THE TODAI Chapter 1 is just beginning.

God only knows what’s gonna happen next..!?

End of summer, 2021.

谢谢大家🙏 

Borsalino Jimmy

CouncIl Japan

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………….

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